Learning from Loneliness

The word ‘lonely’ is attached to countless negative connotations. ‘Lonely’ invokes sentiments of sadness, isolation, emptiness, longing, or even failure. The word itself implies an unwanted condition that should be avoided at all costs by searching for ‘the one’ or just anyone in order to achieve the opposite emotion: happiness.

If there is one thing that the current state of the world shows us it is that people need each other. That being left alone to us is somehow a terrible punishment. That we can’t cope when we aren’t part of a crowd. The whole world has gone into a frenzy of TikTok making, banana bread baking, endless challenges from push-ups to toilet paper keep ups, and apps like Zoom and House Party were overnight propelled to fame. So, what is it that makes being by ourselves so difficult? Why is being on our own, in our own space synonymous with feeling lonely or with intense boredom?

We live in a time where we can access other people at the click of a button. We can open an app on our phones to find out what every person we have ever rubbed shoulders with just had for lunch. We have reality show after reality show where we just watch other people hanging out, living their lives and not really doing much. We even have a TV show where we can literally watch other people watching TV shows! We have become addicted to and dependent upon each other, with a false sense of ‘connection’ to others in the palms of our hands all the time. Instagram even calls it a ‘feed’… and it is doing just that - feeding our addiction. It sounds dramatic but imagine for a second that you are at a table in a restaurant and your company gets up to go to the bathroom. In their absence, how long does it take you to reach for your phone?... most likely, it is an automatic response. Or think about all the times you had nothing to do, so ended up scrolling for an hour through your Instagram without taking anything in or remembering what you saw just 5 posts ago. Picture all the group chats that are constantly lighting up your phone to demand your attention, that are filled with YouTube videos or meme sharing but little real conversation. These are all examples of our mindless consumption. Our urge to be ‘connected’ at all times, even if it is just for the brief moment that we are left alone at that dining table. It is as though we need to be saved from having to be still with our own thoughts. Distracted from ourselves.

Are we all addicted to ‘dope’?

Neuroscience delved into the subject of our mass consumption. In an eye-opening study, it was found that receiving notifications on social media offsets the same chemical reaction in the brain as highly addictive recreational drugs and even gambling. Brain scans of those using social media bore striking resemblances to those of drug-dependent brains. Social media has literally caused the brain to rewire itself to crave the rush of the minimal effort reward that is triggered by a like or follow online. Both drugs and social platforms cause a surge of dopamine which creates a high that gets us hooked. So are we all ‘dope’ addicts nowadays?

The average adult is said to spend 2 hours per day on social media - that’s 5 and a half years of one’s lifetime. For teens, the situation is even more dire with up to 9 hours per day being an average daily dosage. What’s more, a direct correlation was found between those who spend the most time on social portals and depressive symptoms which include feelings of disconnection and…you guessed it, loneliness. In fact, spending more than 5 hours per day on your phone makes you 2x more likely to experience depression. Our smart phones have even created a recognized glitch in our nervous system labelled ‘Phantom Vibration Syndrome’ (the belief that you heard your phone buzz when it actually didn’t). This is a condition induced by a hypervigilant nervous system which is a direct consequence of excessive technological use.

Would you rather?

Psychology has also explored our inability to be alone with ourselves. Timothy Wilson put forward a ‘Big Brother’ meets ‘would you rather’ type study in which his participants were stripped of all methods of amusement including magazines, books, phones, ipods, pen and paper etc and isolated in a room of minimal design for an extended period of time. They were however given the option to administer electric shocks unto themselves. In order to eliminate the element of curiosity, each participant prior to entering the room was given a sample of the shock that they would be able to inflict by their own choice. Oddly, when left alone in the room, 67% of men and 25% of women chose to shock themselves either once or multiple times. Almost all participants described the experience of being left alone in the room as being unpleasant or even unbearable and reported high ratings of boredom. Wilson tested the study again, this time enabling a second batch of participants to complete the study in their own homes, which apparently made no significant difference to the findings. People still preferred physical pain over boredom. What is it with our current culture that has made receiving painful electric shocks more pleasurable than being alone with our minds?

Turning ‘loneliness’ into ‘solitude’

As Paul Tillich put it, ‘loneliness expresses the pain of being alone, whereas solitude expresses the glory of being alone’. Perhaps loneliness is just a matter of perspective. Maybe the real way to combat loneliness is to change how we see it. Shifting mindset could transform being alone into a celebration of oneself and an empowering experience as opposed to an unpleasant one. Indeed, people who view ‘spending time alone’ in this positive way and who revel in having their own space (as opposed to seeing emptiness and striving constantly fill the void with momentary solutions) have been found to be less likely to experience loneliness, self-loathing and depression.

Rumi once said that “we carry inside the wonders that we seek outside us”, so why are we avoiding looking within? If you were to cast aside all of the distractions you put in place as a barrier between you and your thoughts, what might change in your life? If you could re-train your mind and wean yourself off the addictive diversions, might you find time for more productive tasks like organizing your thoughts, reassessing your goals, finding ambitions and planning for the future? Or perhaps you would make peace with or better understand unpleasant emotions that you normally chase away at the push of a button? You might even be able to strengthen relationships with others by evaluating yourself and finding what really makes you, you. After all, the deeper the connection with ourselves, the deeper the connection with those around us.

While of course, too much time alone can also be detrimental to mental health, spending some quality time with you can positively impact overall life experience. Solitude can free you from social pressures, enable self-reflection, spark creativity, reduce stress, improve self-image and even improve mental strength. For me, travelling alone to a place where internet access was next to impossible to come by, was the most blissful experience of my life. It was total freedom, with plenty of opportunity to think for myself, feel every emotion I needed to bring to surface, and come back home recharged with an understanding of how to tackle hurdles and what my next steps should be to reach my goals. Instead of the lonely experience I had been warned it would be, I found it to be re-centering. I was all alone, far from home but I had never felt less lonely and more connected. Loneliness isn’t always a lack of company, it can also be a lack of purpose (Guillermo Maldonado) so perhaps with time to reflect inward we may rediscover our purpose and find what we are really searching for. Being alone isn’t lonely, it’s home.

The year of clarity

2020 has been interpreted as the year of clarity (20/20 vision) and one thing that seems to have become particularly clear to me are all the times that I have prioritized ‘fake connections’ over forming real relationships both with myself and with others. I began to understand how I had disconnected from myself by viewing time alone as time to be ‘killed’ with superficial distractions and menial tasks, and how in doing so spared none of my leisure time for stillness and for self-reflection.

As the biological terrorist Coronavirus spread fear across the world and we were robbed of our ability to embrace one another or even to see each other face to face, suddenly I also felt painfully aware of all the times I was in the company of friends and family but had my eyes glued to my phone. I felt the sting of all the moments that we let pass while posing for pictures to get us likes from strangers online. I tasted the bitter aftertaste of all the times I chose to flick through my phone to avoid conversation with someone. Of all the times I walked by a friend without stopping to chat, or even noticing them at all until too late because I was too fixated on my screen, as they were theirs. I reflected on all the times I felt empty or lonely and yet didn’t fully appreciate company and connection with others when I had the opportunity.

Sometimes even great tragedy can bring about necessary lessons and chances for progress. In the wake of this period of loss, suddenly we are being made to see what really matters, who really matters and how to savor each moment. Our attention has been drawn to all the ways we have kept ourselves ‘distracted’, what we have lost in doing so, but how we can correct these behavior patterns.

In the threat to our health and stability, moments of true humanity have started going viral. There seems to be emerging a stronger universal consciousness and awakening. The emotional claps of gratitude for our health workers, the drawings of rainbows in our windows to inspire hope for others, the mass singing on balconies, people helping elderly neighbors, or celebrating birthdays with family from the other end of the street. In a time where we have no choice but to stay isolated, there has never felt like so much genuine connection, purpose, gratitude and altruism. This extended period of isolation has also given us the time that we never had before to reflect. People began learning new skills, spending more time with their children, exercising more than they ever have before, or just having time to relax without the rat race of modern life. We have been forced to sit with our thoughts after exhausting our methods of entertainment. We have learned to appreciate all that we still have as well as to look out for those who may have no one and who may have lost everything. When the storm passes, these will be lasting echoes that change the way we interact with each other and value time on our own. Never before have Carl Jung’s words felt so relevant: “in addition to our immediate consciousness, which is of a thoroughly personal nature, there exists a second psychic system of a collective and impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals”. We are not only learning how to be stronger as individuals, but also how to go forward as an evolving interconnected, unified force.

Being alone doesn’t make you lonely, and feeling lonely doesn’t mean you are alone.

#interconnected #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessweek #positivevibes #progress #positivity #mindset #mentality